Destiny Blues
by Aiko Isari
Summary: [Cyber Sleuth] You don't like yourself and no one likes you in turn. AU, Arata-centric
1. from where you are

1\. from where you are …

You get the sense that you've done this before. From where you are, you have the sense that if you try, you can make it where you need to-

Just hurry and take their hand and shove, shove, shove-

 _Aiba's alive, right?_

You think a pain, or feel it. This world isn't real and from where you are it seems like that doesn't matter because it hurts _so much_.

 _Find us._

Find us.

Find who, find what, why-

 _failure to log out._

 _Failure to log out._

 _Connection established._

There's someone else you don't remember at the edge of your brain, the failure brain that's so good at ticking but not good at tocking.

You've done fucked up, haven't you?

* * *

 _ **A/N:**_ And there's the one f-bomb I will probably get away with. So, before anyone is like: Oh, I was planning to do this too, I made a joke about it to a friend while he was helping someone out with their story the other day and I was like: this wouldn't go well, Arata is not a healthy or a happy person and the MC is somewhat, how would this even go? So I started it. Here's what came out of it.

Challenges: Titles Set Boot Camp 12. Destiny Blues, AU Set Boot Camp 13. age-swap/destiny-swap/partner-swap/relatives-swap/role-swap! AU, what if challenge with 'What if Arata was the one taken by the Eater?', and Diversity Writing Challenge G42. write a fic that explores the quest for happiness


	2. fate doesn't like you

_a/n: Warning that arata has a very foul mouth this time._

* * *

2\. fate doesn't like you

Not in the slightest. Fate is a purple haired girl who doesn't even look up at you.

-you took the power from _them_ \- She speaks as though you are a fly on the wall and fuck her really. Just like Nokia, only quieter, the hell does she know about you-

-I know plenty- She interrupts your thoughts and you panic because oh fuck, she can read minds.

-godlike power is wasted on most people, myself included.- She waves her hand and balances the computer with the other. -you'll have to do for now. Fix yourself or I can't help you.-

-what crawled up your ass and died?- You can't help but snap at her because she's unsympathetic and you could really use some sympathy right now.

-I wasn't summoned here for your sake. Prove me wrong.-

Damn her to the depths of hell.

-been there, done that- She whisks you away with another hand wave.


	3. just like in the stories

3\. just like in the stories

Go around and solve crimes. Sounds like a good time the longer you sit there and think about it. So you nod your head in the right places and the detective who is somewhere between nice and insane pours you a cup of coffee with chunks in it. But you've managed moldy bread before so this can't be too bad, right?

(You're so very wrong.)

Nokia almost tackles you because she's relieved you're okay (You know you're not but she's so noisy. It's best to just nod and shut her up in the best ways possible.)

There's a pang in your chest like this has happened before.

Nokia tells you Aiba has gone out of the country, visit their sibling and mother for a weekend. They -she, he thinks because she was like that- was super-worried about you but they had to go because they haven't seen their family in months.

You vaguely remember that happening often but you don't know how.

(You took a fate but you lack the power).

The woman's voice in your ear lacks any teasing and you realize it all in the span of a few seconds.

You don't remember if you got Ami out or not. You just remember pain.


	4. It's not as simple

4\. It's not as simple

You run back to Kowloon and there she is. She's scanning and fighting like it's second nature. The Digimon by her bounces to be held and she does it with a smile you find achingly familiar.

She sees you and the smile is worse on you, curdles your heart. You grin like you're tough, like you're the smart guy, relieved to see that nothing happened, just like he'd planned.

(-that's where you're wrong.-)

Shut up. Stupid Fate woman without a name.

(-you don't deserve my name.-)

What did he do to earn her ire?

Ask yourself that question.

He can't understand why she hates him and likes Aiba. Well, Aiba is kind, so maybe he can. It's in the way the Digimon flock to her, scanned or not, in the way she keeps asking about him, looking right in his face. It's the concern, the real caring. It's not a mask with her.

At least, he assumes it's not.


	5. black gloves and silver hair are

5\. Black gloves and silver hair are

They are a big bright thing in the multicolored, cold EDEN world, the world is twisting and where did the subway with

-look at all the lovely _people_ -

go, are they dead?

There's something wrong with you.

(-i hadn't noticed.-)

There's a lot of things wrong with you and the therapists seem funny sometimes. They're pretty nice, even though they're constantly degraded and not paid enough.

Akemi Suedo seems like a therapist you wouldn't want to meet with extra equipment. He's interesting but you don't want to deal with him too much even though he's so earnest somehow.

Aiba runs ahead of you, practiced, calm. Maybe if you extend your hand to her, you can go into her soul and figure out why it is that she's so good?

(-find us, arata, find us. you're the older brother, find us please-)

You pause, look around for this new voice. Nothing again.

Then you see a boy with white hair and white clothes and you feel sick in your bones.


	6. so many lamp post pictures

6\. so many lamp post pictures

So many police inquiries, and all of them are people you know, all of them are people you've talked to or liked, even just online. Even in the chat when Nokia deigns to talk to you, she mentions them. She asks if you've seen anything. You've spent so much time in pain or running errands that it's obvious that you haven't. (In retrospect, telling her didn't help any. She huffs at you. You're still not forgiven.

 _(Lying isn't easy to forgive, just like failure)_

Shouldn't hurt but it does.

You decide to go looking. You listen in on hackers as you never did before. They all sound unhappy, pissed at some Jimmy guy, even the ones who like him. He sounds like a pleb.

(-he's worse than that, an _abusive_ pleb-)

Huh, someone the fate-woman likes even less than you.

(-they do exist.-)

You can't tell if she's humoring you or not.

You hear another name, and it hurts so you stop thinking it.

(-yuugo-)

Damn it.


	7. the comatose aren't sleeping peacefully

7\. the comatose aren't sleeping peacefully

When you sneak in to take a look at the EDEN patients in the hospital, you see yourself. You see Ami. Ami looks so small and tired. Her height is a joke and yours is even worse.

They didn't even bother to change your clothes, the fuck is wrong with people.

You escape as soon as possible. (You don't run into a dark-haired girl along the way.) The Connect Jump is limited in its usefulness, you realize. It can get you in, but do little more. At least the detective appreciates it.

...Does Ami have the same thing?

You ask the fate woman and meet silence.

It's something you're used to, but not something you like.


	8. a wizard did it

8\. A wizard did it.

Your friend, your immensely talented friend, has gone insane.

That's the only explanation. Why else would she listen to the Digimon like that, especially one without a face? Why else would she try to kill you with a giant paintbrush? Why? Why?

Why would an Eater go after her?

(-your fault.-)

"Don't bullshit with me," you snap at the fate faerie.

She looks at you over her laptop, the first time she's bothered. It looks more troublesome than it has to be.

(-I wish I was.-} She flicks her hand and you're flat on the sofa. Kamishiro Yuuko is staring right at you like she's seen a ghost. Ami looks knowing, always does. There's no amusement though, just understanding. She smiles.

He hates it.

For the first time, he thinks he hates her.

All of this hurts so, so much.


	9. the stars in the sky

9\. the little things in the sky

They're called stars, you tell Chrysalimon as you let him peek up from your Digivice screen. He makes low murmurs of agreement, having learned not to scream or cackle, especially when you're working. It's very distracting.

The stars are hard to see because of the light pollution, but they're there. Is your world over there?

A giggle, high-pitched and almost screechy. It's something like a yes, you figure.

You know already that Digimon aren't created by humans, but just like humans, they're different. Just like humans they have irregular cloth cuts.

You would like to think you are one, but you aren't as good as Ami. She's a smoother cut than you.

Ami is the right shade of yellow, you think.

You've been avoiding EDEN some lately. Kyoko hasn't had work for you. Maybe you should see your friends at the comic forum. They need to know what happened to the others.

You can be a good person when you really try…

It will just be tomorrow.


	10. the hunt is on

10\. The hunt is on…

Your other friends are avoiding you and it hurts. You were with her when she went in the coma, of course they blame you. She may have hurt all of those people but they don't know that and you do so of course this is all your fault.

Ami sends you worried texts once a day. You reassure her with that gnawing maw in your heart. Or you think you do. When she stares at you the way she does over the phone, it's hard to tell what she's thinking. She says you're the same way.

Hah. That's stupid. There's no way that's true.

You start looking for any signs of a purple scarf.

Akemi Suedou takes time to find. You don't know what to think of him. He eyes the Digimon with something like hunger and also like pity. How freaky. His voice is familiar, or at least his intonation.

You try to interrogate him, and only get sorrowed laughter.

-They are necessary for our evolution, Arata-kun,- he says. -As are you and yours, as someday you will understand.-

He's gone again before you can even ask, like he is simply winking out of existence. Like a dying star.


	11. In a lion's den are a pack of cubs

11\. In a lion's den are a pack of cubs

And angry viruses.

Keramon is fast and wild, giggling at everything, blasting anything that moves that isn't you or who you say it -he?- shouldn't. It's scaring you. Ami laughs a little, tells you he loves you.

He hopes so. The evolution to Chrysalimon is not as comforting as it looks. In fact, it makes him more unnerving. He has no mouth with which to scream.

You need to watch less Western horror movies. Or play their games. Yeesh.

You're still hacking, hunting missing people and their dead. Hunting the kidnapped and the Eaters.

Ami is working just as hard. You work for the same women and never see her.

Then she appears one day and says she infiltrated Kamishiro Incoporated. What.

Jealous.


	12. welcome to unfamiliar territory

12\. welcome to unfamiliar territory

You're still hunting around, but you know one thing: you are in deep.

Your body gets tired sometimes, not very much, but enough.

You see that pale ghost in EDEN once in a while. It says nothing, just watches you and makes your head ache.

Sometimes you have vivid dreams and wake up remembering none of them. Sometimes you have vivid dreams of tentacles and screaming and that's all you need to be awake for six hours straight and crash.

Ami has nothing, or she says nothing about it. But then she learns how to disappear and reappear and you want to know when and how and why.

You don't know why she bothered to teach it to you though. You can do it just fine. It's how you've survived.

Then you're thrown in front of Nokia and given the spotlight.

 _No_ , you think.

 _Yes,_ you say. Because you're stupid.

And just like that, you're the leader of a to be formed hacker -Tamer- team, the Rebels.


	13. how's your brain working

13\. How's your brain working?

The lab that fate-woman has has always been open to you. You don't like going there, Kurisarimon's enough, to be honest. But when you nearly get wasted by another Wisemon, you realize how much that's actually bullshit. And you can't make Nokia's ragtag bunch of morons functional by yourself.

So you go.

She's reclined on an armchair, laptop on her knees. She looks so ordinary, so human, that she cannot possibly be a woman of fate but she has to be. She wouldn't be in between dimension if she wasn't.

She just looks at you. There's almost a smile.

-look at you, opening your own doors.-

What's that supposed to mean?

-exactly what I said-

He pauses and steps towards the facilities for the first time. They are uncomfortable under his fingertips, but frightening in how easy they are.

-fate deems some struggles are not worth having.-

Does that mean you're growing on her?

-don't push your luck, little boy.-

You snort. How weird.

Nokia calls. Ami is in Kamishiro. _Again._

Jealous.

The fate woman's tilts her head. She, from here, looks wistful.

Must be your imagination.


	14. there's an underground labyrinth

14\. There's an underground labyrinth

And the minotaur is probably still prowling for you. Yuugo is calling in all of the sheep as you speak and it makes your head twinge. He wouldn't do that, not the Yuugo you know.

-ah it's all starting to fall together or apart, isn't it?-

You have to go, Nokia wants to and the others are too weak but where is Ami? She's been missing, missing for a long while now.

But Nokia wants to go and goes without you so again your choices are being made without your permission.

You stare at the DigiLine IDs. You hesitate. Then, there is Ami, wandering EDEN like nothing had happened. All right, you can do this. You have to do this.

You tap her on the shoulder.


	15. be who you are

15\. Be who you are

Even though the world curses it nigh on daily.

You try not to think too hard.

The lightning is everywhere. It's going so smoothly. Your stomach churns and Ami's eyes on you don't help. The Rebels all look at Nokia for guidance. Leader is just a title, in the end. Just a title, just an idea. She's the one who keeps recruiting, incensed by your own reluctance and hesitation. She doesn't think, she only moves forward. Sure, she regrets it sometimes, but…

But you envy it anyway.

Further and further. It's so quiet. Even with the Digimon programs fighting and killing, it's so quiet.

Are we being watched?

Probably. This is a famous corporation's area after all. Why would they be able to get into it so easily?

When you clash, you think you know why. You think.

Then the tentacle monsters come, and you know why.

You see the boy and he looks and looks and looks. It's not right.


	16. people are dying

16\. People are dying

And the government isn't doing a thing. Well, what can they do, this is suburban, local. And it's also deep in the structures now. Where would you get rid of it to? How would you investigate?

From the inside of course.

Like Suedo.

But you think of him later. You're too angry now. You kick cans and rip into your pillowcase.

 _Nii-san._ The word is familiar, obviously, the tone is more familiar. Someone had said it to someone you knew before, a gap in your very being just grows wider as you think about it.

-I'm the oldest after all!-

Your own voice, calling out with delight, childhood so clear and loving and warm.

(-I'd stop looking if I were you. It causes you to die inside for a while.-)

-Like you.-

The bile snaps out but the goddess woman laughs.

(-No, no, I'm dead inside and out.-)

It hurts that she can laugh about it and you can't.


	17. live up to the name

17\. Live up to the name

the name Rebels. You're the leader, do something rash and reckless like your second. Do something you condemn because the normal world is stifling and boring.

-really it would be great to just rip it up like rice paper-

(-Acting on anger brings you nothing but pain.-)

shut up. It feels good.

It really, truly does.

You go along with the plan, you go to cut the electricity, but then Suedo is there and he whispers about

-power-

And you pause. Because you've always wanted that, right? Power is necessary, good. It makes you safe and right.

But that distraction is exactly what it is and when the world warps, you feel it in your skin.


	18. what's it like to be a prisoner?

18\. What's it like to be a prisoner?

You managed to avoid it, just barely, but the death count is on your head and you know it you damn no good ikemen. That's an oxymoron if you've ever heard it.

Something is wrong with Ami that isn't wrong with you. She flickers.

(When did she become Ami? When was she not Aiba and not Ami, partner in crime, best friend who you could love if she just didn't have nice breasts?)

Are you a prisoner of your own head/ You're a prisoner of your own sick twist thoughts, the weird policewoman is right about that much.

One day, Ami finds you and whispers that _he loves you_ and your skin almost pops off of your muscles and you _don't know why._

Yuuko is worried. Nokia is worried. But why? Being on the lam isn't fun but you can do it. Except it's all this time with your thoughts and Infermon for company.

By the time you meet Suedo again, you can't ignore his words. It sounds better than the half-life you have now.

You take his hand.


	19. clarity is worse than blindness

19\. Clarity is worse than blindness

because remembering only gives you even more guilt because now you know.

 _He loves you._

" _Guys listen to me, I'm the oldest!"_

Yeah and that had gotten them _anywhere._

You feel Suedo's eyes on you. Is there any pity? Perhaps. There's some twisted understanding there though, you know that from grown-ups, and in a better mind you would scoff at it, ignore it.

But you feel sorry for yourself right now, so it's much easier to look at him for help.

You can't hear the fate woman's voice, but you're pretty sure she's not talking to you now anyway.

She's only talking to Ami.

Hasn't she always?


	20. there are snakes in your skin

20\. There are snakes in your skin

and voices in your head but there have been voices in your head for a while now so what's the big deal, right?

The Eater is real though, crawling over your hands and knees. Mostly your writing arm. You feel like that should be a problem. You need that for your homework. But you don't care too much. Homework is irrelevant in this world that runs with Digimon and humans attacking each other, side by side or on opposing sides.

Infermon's gone, you realize dimly. But then, why would he stay with a failure like you?

Why would he stay when you could kill him without thinking about it?

But you wouldn't, would you? That was him. Digimon were like that. The digimon had fled when the eater had come

(-so did you.-)

Shut up fate-woman.

(-this is your last chance. Do you really want to squander it?-)

You've never helped me! You sat back in your world and mocked me. Why are you helping now?

(You've never wanted me to.)

You knew. You bitch, you knew and said nothing.

(-would telling you have been the same as you experiencing it?-)

You storm out for what you know is the last time. She shakes her head at you as you go.

(-enjoy the last moments.-)

Liar. He can change this, he can fix this, he already is. He already has. The others will help you.

Either by will or by force. It doesn't matter. You'll save them, every single one.

You're the oldest after all.


	21. the world is turning darker

21\. The world is turning darker

or maybe that's just something to do with your own vision.

The more you eat, the less you care, the less you can see. Your nose and ears are great though. You can find food much more easily now.

You hunger all the time, so that's even better.

You run and run through the city. If you try and sniff, you think Ami is watching you. You doubt it. She doesn't care enough.

 _But she's powerful,_ you think.

Like Examon is powerful, like Dukemon was powerful.

You can use that. You can make that yours. Then you can make things right. Then you can save Yuugo. Be with him. Apologize.

 _He loves you._

He'd better not.

You yearn for the taste of something softer, but you resist. If you eat him, you'll never forgive yourself.


	22. down down down into your own dead body

22\. Down down down into your own dead body

Or something like that, metaphors are not your style.

Still, you're falling and it doesn't seem like there's an end. Then a pair of thin arms catches you like you weigh nothing at all. Your black eyes meet darker ones and you cringe.

You don't know how you're here but here you are. He smiles a little. He smiles and looks like he hasn't slept in eight years and he probably hasn't.

The last thing you remember is Ami. Ami standing on the fallen Examon's head as it swipes wildly at you. She is there because he hasn't noticed her. And she's reaching for you, reaching to save you.

And you had pulled her down.

You pull away, gaze darting about, looking for colors of fire and sunlight and warmth and where are they?

-she's not in your space.-

He looks at you. The white ghost watches you sadly, thoughtfully. He points, beyond you, beyond any senses.

-you're in the mother's belly-

And you're suddenly aware of what the goddess woman had said. You understand now.

You weep.

There is nothing anyone can do now. Not even Nokia.

Certainly not Ami.

You doomed them all.

* * *

 _ **A/N:** _ Well, that's that. Really didn't know it was going to end this way when I started but it did. So. I hope you guys enjoy it. Any further speculation into this fic, well... we'll have to see. Thanks for the support!


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